


Babies, Bruises, and Beautiful Music

by Seblainer



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Adult Content, Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, Mpreg, Points of View
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-12-28
Updated: 2007-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-05 15:30:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12797343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seblainer/pseuds/Seblainer
Summary: Thanks to muffin_donat2007 for the beautiful banner.Justin is still in his relationship with Ethan. What happens when Justin finds he's pregnant? What happens when Ethan finds out as well, and starts to abuse him? What will Brian do when he finds out about everything that is going on?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

  
Author's notes: Thanks as usual to my beta Lois and Eka for making our banner, as well as to Ethan for being a great object for unadulterated hate. Also, this story is written by two author's but is only going to be posted for on one account.  


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[](http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j234/Slanni/Art%20Made%20For%20Me/?action=view%C2%A4t=bbbbanner.jpg)

 

Justin's POV

 

I stand in front of the door to Ethan’s, I don’t know why I can’t think of it as mine but I can’t. I’m hesitating before opening the door because I just got the best news I have ever had but I don’t know how Ethan will take it. I lean my head on the door and slowly pull the piece of paper out of my pocket and stare at the words on it.

 

I still can’t believe the test was positive. I hadn’t even thought about it when I went to the doctor’s. I just thought I was sick but I never even thought of this. I’m pregnant and I know it’s Brian’s because I only top with Ethan.

 

God, I can’t believe that I’m with a guy who loves me who I don’t love, I like him but I just don’t love him and I’m having a baby by a guy I just left who I love but who doesn’t love me. The irony of the situation makes me want to cry but I don’t. I stiffen my back and reach forward again to open the door and tell Ethan of how our lives have just changed.

 

As soon as I open the door the sound of the violin music, that could be heard from the hall, becomes even louder and I know I will have more time to figure out what to say to Ethan because he won’t acknowledge me until he is done practicing.

 

About a half an hour later I’m sitting on the ratty old couch I helped Ethan drag up here when I hear the sound that is tormenting my ears stop and I quickly turn to another page in my sketchbook. If he sees me drawing Brian again, he will get pissed and I don’t want to deal with that right now.

 

“So how was your day?” I ask as he comes over and kisses me hello like I had just walked in, or should I say, slobbers all over my face, gross.

 

“Great, I got to share my genius with the world quite a bit today.” He preens, meaning they didn’t kick him out of where ever he was playing today, which is good because it means he’s in a good mood for my news.

 

“That’s great.” I say, waiting for him to ask me what happened at the doctors so I can tell him my exciting news.

 

Ethan continues to ramble on about his day and his music and I realize that if he even remembers that I had to go to the doctor’s today, he has no intention of mentioning it. Which sucks because I was hoping he would open the conversation so that I could tell him, but I should have realized because it wasn’t about him, it wasn’t important to him. 

 

Everyone had always told me how selfish and self-involved Brian is, but they have no idea how wrong they are. If I was still with Brian and I had to go to the doctor’s, he would have been there with me and if he couldn’t pull that off, it would have been the first thing he asked about when he saw me. I shake my head and try to dislodge the thoughts of Brian that are always running through there, and wait for Ethan to take a breath so that I can get a word in edgewise.

 

Finally I have my opening, and although I had all this time to plan what to say, I still stutter it out.

 

“So I umm went to the doctor’s today and umm found out why I have been feeling like shit.” 

 

“And?” Ethan questions impatiently because I had broke his little ‘I’m the best‘ story.

 

“I’m pregnant.” I blurt out with a grin on my face.

 

“Pregnant? What the fuck?” His voice goes from confused to angry in seconds. “You cheated on me? ‘Cause I know you never let me in that ass.”

 

“No, of course not. I’m two months pregnant.” I say in a hesitant voice, his anger worrying me.

 

He looks at me for a few minutes, digesting the information and every second that he doesn’t say anything, I worry more. I watch a thousand different emotions and thoughts run across his face and I’m worried that he will just kick me out because I’m having Brian’s baby.

 

“So you are telling me you are pregnant with that slut Kinney’s kid?” Ethan hissed out when he finally started talking.

 

“I…yeah, I’m pregnant with Brian’s child.” I stammer out, not sure what is going to happen.

 

“And what do you plan on doing?” Ethan asks snidely.

 

“What do you mean?” I return dumbfounded.

 

“Well, are you going to have an abortion? Are you going to do adoption? Or are you going to keep it?” Ethan answers in a much calmer voice and I feel a lot better about where this is going.

 

“I’m going to keep my baby.” I say in a strong voice because I would never imagine doing anything different.

 

“Okay, and what are your plans on how you’re going to be raising this baby?” Ethan asks in an even colder voice and once again I’m scared and confused.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Stop being stupid, Justin. Who do you plan on raising this baby with?” He snaps at me.

 

“Well, I’m with you so we would raise the baby.”

 

“So Kinney will have nothing to do with it?” Ethan asks, a strange light in his eyes.

 

“Of course Brian will have something to do with it. It will be his son or daughter but he will have the same relationship with this baby as he has with Gus. We will raise him or her and Brian will see him or her when he wants to and I’m sure he’ll help with money; we just need to talk to him about it.” I say because I know Brian will want to be in this child’s life and I know he will help with his child as much as he can.

 

I watch as a strange smile crosses Ethan’s face and I start to crinkle my brow in confusion, when he pulls back his hand and before I even realize what is going to happen, he smacks me on the face so hard my head whips around.

 

“Wrong answer.” He snarls.

 

Ethan draws back again to hit me but I slide down on the couch, and jump to my feet trying to get away. I’m almost at the door when his strong musician’s hands wrap around my throat and squeeze until I’m lightheaded. 

 

“I could kill you right now. Don’t ever try to run from me again, do you understand me? If you try, I promise you, your precious baby and your precious Brian will die, do you got that? Things are going to change in this household and I mean now.” Ethan growls into my ear as he moves me back to the couch by his hold on my neck. Once we’re seated he starts talking again, never removing his hand from my throat.

 

“You are going to do as I say from now on and we will get along just fine. You are going to quit the diner and get another job somewhere else and you are to cut off all contact with all of those skanky people from there, including that slut Kinney. Kinney will not know about this baby or there won’t be one, do you understand?” 

 

Ethan takes a break in his tirade, and I’m so scared all I can do is agree with him, but as soon as I open my mouth, he tightens his hand on my neck as then punches me in the face.

 

“I don’t want you to speak. You will just nod your head. I don’t want to hear your whining.” He demands, so I just nod my head, hoping this will be over soon.

 

“Fine, and one last thing for now. That ass is mine.” He growls, and then drags me back up by the hold he still hasn’t released on my neck, and throws me down on the bed.

 

As soon as I hit the bed, he is ripping my clothes off while I try to beg him to stop with my weak voice but every time a sound comes out of my mouth, whether it is an attempt at words or a fearful whimper, he does something to cause me pain. 

 

He is slapping, punching, and biting me as he gets me naked and once I am, he pulls back for a moment to rid himself of his clothing and without a real thought, I once again try to scramble away but I don’t even get off the bed before he’s on me again.

 

“You will regret that.” He shouts in my ear.

 

Ethan then spins me onto my stomach and slams into me, sans preparation or condom. I scream out in pain and he howls in pleasure as he pounds into me hard and deep. I feel myself tear more and more with every thrust and my eyesight quickly becomes dark around the edges. I know I’m losing consciousness and my last thought before the darkness overtakes me is, ‘I’m so sorry Brian.’


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: _Thanks to muffin_donat2007 for the beautiful banner._  


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[](http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j234/Slanni/Art%20Made%20For%20Me/?action=view&current=bbbbanner.jpg)

 

 

Brian's POV

 

I've been spending a lot more time with my Sonny Boy, ever since Justin left me for the fiddler. Though it will never fill in the hurt that Justin's leaving caused, it does let me not think about things for a while. I spend time playing with my Sonny Boy, and telling him how much I love him.

 

I've always been afraid of being a shitty father like Jack, and half of the time Melanie and Lindsay make me feel like I'm one anyway. They make me feel that I'm as bad as Jack was. But there are only two real differences between myself and Jack Kinney.

 

The first one being that I'm a fag, which my father hated. The other one being, that I would never lay a hand on Gus or any other children I might have. I know first hand how painful it is, and I don't want to be the cause of a pain like that.

 

I've been working overtime a lot, trying to keep myself busy. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts, because they are all horrible thoughts. I keep remembering everything, and I don't want to. I remember the first time that Justin and I slept together.

 

I remember him chasing me, and me pretending that I wanted nothing to do with him, for the longest time. I remember the King of Babylon contest, the prom, and the bashing. I remember the sound of the bat connecting with Justin's head, and I flinch.

 

I remember Justin's body hitting the ground, and me hitting Hobbs so that he couldn't get away, or try again. I remember the coma, being there every night to watch over Justin and make sure that he was okay. I remember being called an asshole because no one understood, and they still don't understand.

 

I remember Justin surviving, and coming after me again, and the problems he has with his hand. But most of all, I remember the one thing that he can't, and never will. I remember how beautiful we were, when we danced. I remember that I was going to tell Justin that night, that I loved him.

 

But I never got to. Instead, what I got was Justin's blood on me and my clothes, and his still body in my arms. I can never forget about that night. It still haunts me to this day. All I ever wanted, was for my Sunshine to be happy. Now he is, with his little fiddler.

 

I never thought it would hurt this much, and Mikey, the man who is supposed to be my best friend, only makes it worse. He said that I should have let Justin die in the parking garage. I know that Mikey is a spiteful little shit, but I would never have guessed he would say that.

 

When everyone looked at us, and made me seem like the bad guy, I was ready to tell all of them to fuck off. So I left, and I took Sonny Boy with me back to the loft. We are lying down now, and I still can't help but marvel over my beautiful little boy.

 

I never thought I would love someone as much as I love Gus. He is the world to me, and even though everyone thinks I'm a shitty father, at least there is one thing I know with absolute certainty that I can promise him. I will never hurt my son the way Jack hurt me.

 

I smile down at my son, and I watch as he yawns, and looks around the loft. I set Gus down gently in his bed, and then cover him up. I don't know much about babies, but I do know that I would and will do anything and everything for Gus, no matter what it is.

 

Gus is my joy. He is the one and only thing in my life that I've done right, and I don't regret having him, for a single minute. After making sure that Sonny Boy is taken care of and okay, I grab my labtop, and take a seat on my bed to start working on a new account.

 

I got my labtop so that I can sit in bed, and be closer to my Sonny Boy if he ever needs me, when I'm working. I still have my computer desk, and other computer, but I don't use it as much. I've been spending so much time with Gus lately, and I find myself loving him more and more every single day.

 

He's so small and helpless, and all I want to do is protect him for the rest of his life, the same way that I feel about Justin. But I can't because I realize, that like Justin, one day Gus won't need me to look out for him anymore, and then I don't know what I'll do with myself.

 

So for now, I'll savor every touch, every kiss, and every laugh, and I'll store it in my mind for when I can no longer see him. It's just the same that I do for Justin. The only thing is, I don't think I could stand to die another death, and have Gus leave me.

 

Yes, I know that I'm getting carried away. But it's like I've always heard, kids grow up so fast. I don't know what I'll do when I have no one to need me anymore. I can't stand to think of it, but I know that I have to. My Sonny Boy won't be a baby for long.

 

I pick up my Sonny Boy once more, kiss his head and murmur softly, "I love you, Sonny Boy. You and Justin are the two things that keep me going, when I just want to give up." Gus starts to cry, and I realize that he's hungry. So I quickly feed him, and then put Sonny Boy back down for his nap.

 

My life has changed drastically ever since my two boys came into my life. But I wouldn't trade my time with the two of them, for anything in the world. I love Gus and Justin, and even though I have problems expressing myself, I know they love me too.


	3. Chapter 3

[](http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j234/Slanni/Art%20Made%20For%20Me/?action=view%C2%A4t=bbbbanner.jpg)   
_The Next Day_

 

Justin’s POV

 

I slowly lower the phone onto the table and try to keep my tears in check. I called the diner when I knew Deb wouldn’t be there to quit again but this time I knew I wouldn’t be going back. I will never talk to anyone from the gang again. There will be no parties, no comic book, and no Brian.

 

Ethan comes up behind me, pressing his body against me and I can feel how aroused he is and I know he is getting off on the power he has over me but there is nothing I can do. I know for a fact that he will kill Brian if I give him the slightest reason to, I can see it in his eyes. Before Ethan, I thought I had seen evil in Chris’ eyes but boy, was I wrong. One look into Ethan’s, now turns me into a four year old wanting to climb into bed with mommy and daddy.

 

“Okay, now give me your cell phone.” Ethan orders in my ear. 

 

Shakily I hand it over, not wanting to invoke his anger anymore; not that I know what will set him off because he seems like a volcano ready to erupt. I try not to look at him as he starts hitting the buttons and I’m afraid of what he is going to do.

 

“Look at this, Brian, who is still in here after all the time we have been together. I wonder why that is, you little slut.” I start to open my mouth hoping to be able to come up with something to quell his anger but the first sound out of my mouth get Ethan’s hand around my throat once again. “Did I tell you talk?” He snarls but wisely I don’t answer and he loosens his grip on me and continues, “Debbie, Emmett, Lindsay, shit, you have all those freak’s numbers in here. And I bet they have the number to this phone, don’t they?” I don’t know whether he expects me to answer, so I say silent and his hand falls from my neck and latches around my shoulder, squeezing hard, “Answer me.”

 

“Yes, they all do.” I say in a small voice.

 

“Well, I guess you don’t need this then, do you?” He says sarcastically, as he hurls my cell phone against the wall and I stare at it hopelessly as it shatters into a million pieces.

 

“Now, you obviously can’t find work with your face like that but as soon as the bruising fades, you will find another job and it will be no where near Liberty Ave. or any of those people, do you understand me?” 

 

_One Week Later_

 

I walk out of Cafe Georgio's with the closest thing to a smile that has been on my face in a week. The bruises had disappeared yesterday and I had started looking for a job then but I didn’t get one which I wouldn’t think was uncommon but it earned me another beating last night, although he stayed away from my face. He didn’t want anyone to be able to see his handy work and also I couldn’t find a job if I was a beat up.

 

So today I hit the streets very early and after running around to every diner, restaurant, and café I could find, I have a job with decent pay and hopefully good tips. And I hope this will make Ethan happy, when he is happy life is better for me. He not only doesn’t hit me but he also is more careful when he enters me.

 

The first time he topped me he ripped me and every time since then it has made me cry because he refused to let me go to the doctors and because he doesn’t care how I feel. But still it’s better when he isn’t angry because he isn’t trying to inflict more pain.

 

I shake my head trying to stop thinking about what waits me at Ethan’s. I can’t think of it as my home and I couldn’t even before he showed what kind of monster he was. Because I know where my home is and it is with Brian but I gave that up for pretty words. 

 

When I enter the apartment, I immediately head to the kitchen and start supper for Ethan because I know he will expect it when he gets home, I will do anything to keep him from hurting me more, and even more so, from killing Brian and our baby. 

 

Once the food is cooking, I quickly get through the house work. Brian always said I was a slob, but Ethan’s domestic skills make me seem as anal as Brian. Once I’m done cleaning and dinner is done cooking, I set the table with candles and sit down to wait for Ethan.

 

About five minutes later, Ethan gets back and sits immediately down to eat and after a second, he looks around the apartment and noticing it clean. I see him hesitate for a minute and I know he is looking for a reason to be mad at me, and then an evil glint comes into his eyes and I’m afraid I have forgotten something.

 

“So did you manage to get off your lazy ass and actually get a job today or were you just lazing around like usual and waiting for me to support you like Kinney did for his whore?” 

 

“Yeah, I got a job at a café.” I answer quietly.

 

“A full time job right, cause I specifically told you that you weren’t going to be going to school to draw your little pictures anymore.”

 

“Yes, and I called and dropped out of PIFA.” I say quietly, saddened by this but it’s the least of the things he has taken from me, so the blow is softened. 

 

After dinner Ethan plays his violin for hours while I watch like an adoring fan, yeah right, not moving from the couch until one of the neighbors yells at him to shut up; and then he grabs me and throws me to the bed and flips me onto my stomach as he rips of my clothes. As he enters me roughly, I apparently don’t cry out enough for him because he, for no reason and with no warning, punches me in the shoulder as he thrusts into my pained body. When I can’t hold in my cry of pain, he groans with pleasure and orgasms, shooting deep inside of me.

 

After a second Ethan rolls off of me and goes to sleep without another word and I reevaluate my statement from earlier. I didn’t give up Brian for pretty words; I gave him up for bruises and beautiful music.


	4. Chapter 4

[](http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j234/Slanni/Art%20Made%20For%20Me/?action=view&current=bbbbanner.jpg)

 

Brian's POV

 

_Saturday Afternoon_

 

I don't know what to do. I got a call from the dean of PIFA, saying that Justin dropped out, and that they are going to return my money to me. A feeling of coldness comes over me, and I know that I have to find out what the fuck is going on with Justin.

 

He wouldn't quit going to PIFA on his own, and he wouldn't quit working at the diner on his own. So I know that chin rat has to have something to do with all of this. Just the thought of that idiot Ian, is enough to piss me off. I look over at Gus, and remember that I can't let myself get pissed in front of him.

 

I'll just have to wait until tonight to get angry. I know that Melanie and Lindsay won't let me have Gus spend the night, ever since the shit with me and Justin happened, and Gus was nearly burned. I don't blame Justin for that. I blame myself for being such a fucking idiot.

 

There is so much shit that I've done wrong, and all of it is to people that I love. I wish there was a way that I could take away all the pain I have ever caused. I just want to live a normal life, like the heteros get to. I want a lover and a family that I can trust.

 

Everyone thinks that I trust the Liberty Diner gang with my most inner thoughts and workings, but that's crap. I don't trust them any more than I did my birth parents. You want to know why? Every single time someone fucks up, it's always my fucking fault.

 

Justin gets his head bashed in at the Prom, and though it really is my fault, I don't need people telling me that. I live with it every fucking day. Another thing that I get blamed for, is Michael and Dr. Dave breaking up. It's not my fucking fault the guy doesn't have patience.

 

I needed my best friend that night, cause the one person next to Gus that I would die for, could have been taken from me. No one understands, except for Justin, and well, he doesn't understand anymore. The bat to the head messed everything up, so now I just play the part.

 

Everyone only sees me as the rude ass, so that they can feel better about themselves when they go around condemning me. Well you know what? Fuck them. I grew up with that shit, and I already know that without my money, I'm not worth anything.

 

I mean, just look at how things ended between Justin and myself. I couldn't give him what he wanted, because I don't know how, and so he left. I couldn't give him floor picnics, flowers, and pretty words. That's not me, and never will be. I don't know how or if I even can do that shit.

 

The only one that I know I can trust, is Gus. Which I know I won't be able to do for much longer. As my Sonny Boy grows up, I'm sure he's going to start thinking the worst of me. Especially with Melanie as a mother. I love Lindsay to death, but she always lets Melanie walk all over her.

 

When Sonny Boy wakes up from his nap, I decide to call Chuck. We have been seeing each other for a few days now. I haven't told anyone about him, because I don't want anyone getting into it, like they did when Justin and I were together.

 

I call Chuck and ask if he would like to have lunch with me and Gus at Cafe Georgio's. When he agrees, I smile and then say that Gus and I will be over to pick him up in thirty minutes. Chuck agrees, and we both hang up. Chuck is thirty-two, and is better for me.

 

Though I still love Justin, I'm starting to love Chuck as well. He understands me, which no one else really does, not even Justin. So I pull up at Chuck's apartment, and I smile when he slides into the passenger seat. Moments later, he kisses me and then turns to Gus and smiles.

 

"Hey Gus." My Sonny Boy smiles at Chuck and my heart feels a little lighter than it has in a while. Chuck and I aren't in a relationship. We like to fuck, and we even like to spend time together for other things. But we aren't in a relationship, not yet.

 

I can see how much Chuck is starting to care for Gus. Maybe this is just what I need. So we arrive at Cafe Georgio's, and after I pick up Gus, we go inside. Before I know it, we are being seated and are getting ready to order our meal. I see one of the waiter's pass by and the blonde head reminds me of Justin.

 

But I shrug it off, because I'm sure that Justin is at home with his fiddler. Chuck and I talk for a few minutes, about his work, (Chuck is a cop) and about mine as well. I tell him about some of the campaigns I've been working on lately, and he tells me about some of the people he's arrested lately.

 

Before either of us know it, our lips are together, and I love the way it feels. His lips are so soft, and all I want to do, is get lost in his mouth. He starts running his fingers though my hair, and I suddenly remember where we are, so I end the kiss.

 

However when I do, I'm sorry for doing so. Because as I look up and our waiter approaches us, I'm stunned to see that it's Justin. From the look on his face, I can tell that he caught the show, too. Oh well. What did he think I was going to do while he ran off to play happily family?

 

Did he think I was going to drink myself to death? I thought about it, but then that would make me pathetic. So I watch Justin take a few breaths to calm himself, as he fully approaches our table. He keeps his line of vision on Chuck most of the time we are ordering, only making occasional glances at Gus, but never once looking at me.

 

When we finish ordering, and Justin turns to go, I get a good look at his face. He looks like someone ran over his puppy. What the fuck? He was the one to end things and leave. I'm just trying to get on living my life. Why does this kid always make me feel like such an ass?


	5. Chapter 5

[](http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j234/Slanni/Art%20Made%20For%20Me/?action=view&current=bbbbanner.jpg)

 

Justin’s POV

 

I walk away with my head held high, wanting nothing more than to run. Run away from the sight of Brian being openly affectionate with someone else. Hell, he was never that affectionate with me. 

 

I put their order in and contemplate having someone else cover their table but as I think that, a blankness washes over me as I realize that I did this; I choose to leave him and now he has this other guy and I have Ethan.

 

I go around to some other tables, getting more orders or delivering food until the bell rings signaling that their order is up. I grab it and then go over to their table, my soul as well as my face emotionless. 

 

I set their plates down and before I leave, I say the words that all waiters have to say even though I wish I didn’t need to talk to them.

 

“Is that all for now or is there something else I can help you with?”

 

As soon as the words clear my mouth, Gus suddenly realizes it’s me standing there and starts his usual chant for me.

 

“Jussin, Jussin. My Jussin.” He says close to a scream, making several patrons look over at us.

 

I look at Gus and then spare a glance at the two men at the table and Brian looks uncomfortable, not that most people would be able to tell under his mask, and the guy with him looks curious and slightly hostile. I want to slink away from the hostility but I won’t leave Gus hanging like that. 

 

“How’s my Gus Man?” I say as I always do when I see him. Gus giggles and we talk for a minute before I excuse myself to go back to work and he let’s me, but not until after a hug.

 

An hour later I watch as the group leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. I love Brian and Gus but seeing them in any capacity was draining anything I had left in me. And watching Brian laughing and joking with the guy, whose name I learned was Chuck, was like being stabbed repeatedly. What kind of a name is Chuck anyway? I know that is immature but I don’t care. I hate seeing them together.

 

I leave work and once again hurry to Ethan’s to get everything ready as he expects it and hope that all goes well tonight. Ethan comes home much like he had every other night and I immediately moved to do his bidding. When he pushed into me this time I floated away in my mind, the pain receded, although I could still feel it, but in my head I was on a mountain top.

 

The mountain was completely covered in fresh white powder and after looking at it a second, I knew I had been here before. I looked around and realized that I was at the ski resort in Vermont where Brian and I were supposed to go, but I had ended up going alone because he went to Chicago to save his job. 

 

Of course Brian being Brian didn’t tell me how important the trip to Chicago was and me being immature didn’t wait for him.

 

I will never understand why I stopped being able to read Brian after the bashing but the ability just disappeared and when it returned, it was too late because I had already left. 

 

I’m not sure why it returned but one day at the diner before Ethan made me quit, Brian was there and they were all ragging on Brian about something he had done and I could tell they didn’t understand why he had done it and then it just hit me, I did. 

 

I did understand why he did it and that night when I got back to Ethan’s and he was still at practice, I sat down and thought about it and suddenly realized all the times I pushed him because I lost the ability to read him.

 

And looking out over this mountain, I know that this was a huge turning point for us. I had waited here for him, figuring if he cared then he would meet me up here but he never did. When I went home, and the loft will always be home to me, I found Brian fucking a trick even though he knew when I would be coming through the door, because he made the arrangements. It was just Brian trying to say, you didn’t hurt me by leaving without me, see. But I didn’t understand that and it killed me to see that.

 

Standing here looking out into the white nothingness, I feel the change in the air and without looking, I know Brian’s right beside me. I wish this was more than a dream so I sink further into it, not caring if I get lost in it.

 

“I should have followed you.”

 

“I shouldn’t have gone without you.”

 

I feel a pierce of pretty bad pain and it rips its way into my other world and the look on Brian’s face changes from soft to terrified, as I almost fall under the pain that I can’t keep out.

 

“Jus, what’s wrong?” His voice is scared and he pulls me in his arms when I don’t immediately answer. “Please, what’s wrong?” He cries now.

 

The feel of his arms around me feel, as always, like home and I don’t answer still as the pain fades back into the other world where Ethan exists, because this one is before Ethan was a blip on my radar. He was just a guy who played amazing violin but that’s it and I never even thought about him here so he can’t taint it in anyway. I don’t want to voice even to this Brian. A part of my mind still knows it’s fake for this very reason, I don’t want to bring Ethan here, but Brian won’t let it go.

 

“Please Justin, just tell me.” Brian begs.

 

Hearing the pleading in his voice, I know I have no recourse but to tell him everything and so I do but to my confusion, Brian asks again.

 

“Justin, you have to tell me.”

 

“What? Brian, didn’t you hear all the stuff I just told you?” I ask bewildered.

 

“Justin, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Brian says once again, ignoring my words as if I never said them. “Justin, I would never let you go through this alone so you need to tell me.” He says and that’s when I realize that he is not talking about me telling him here but in real life and that knowledge sends me scurrying back to the other world where physical pain is my constant but Ethan deals me less emotional pain than Brian ever could.


End file.
